Introduction
Recently, I watched a short film called “Strangers at the Dinner Table,” which tells the daily life of a couple who communicate very little.
One day, my wife picked up a voice recorder at home. The voice recorder recorded the couple’s daily conversations. She listened to them for a whole day and found that the communication between the two was so pale.
“Help me get the remote control.”
“Um”
“Lettuce is so expensive now”
“Right”
“Will you come back for dinner tomorrow?”
“Yes”
Every conversation ends within two seconds, without any unnecessary extension. This long recording contains a lot of ambient sounds, TV sounds, and keyboard sounds, but there is very little dialogue between the two of them. These two people are the most familiar strangers. From having nothing to say to having nothing to say, more and more marriages are suffering from “aphasia”. And “aphasia” is the biggest cause of “my husband has destroyed me emotionally”.
Silent marriage
A British survey also showed that 1/4 of couples talk for less than 10 minutes a day. When I get home from get off work, I would rather have a lively chat with my friends on my mobile phone than tell my partner about myself; I am obviously a joker in the circle of friends, but I cherish words like gold to my partner.
A director interviewed 8 couples who had been married for more than 4 years and recorded their married life through the camera. There is a couple sitting on the sofa chatting. They look calm and peaceful on the surface, but there is a suffocating dryness between them. This is undoubtedly a manifestation of “my husband has destroyed me emotionally”.
The husband said to his wife: “You should have a sense of presence. You should feel that you are important, right? Your children need you.”
The wife replied: “This is true for my children, but I don’t know if I am important to you.”
Facing her husband’s awkward smile, she asked him: “Do you talk for more than an hour every day? You are always talking to your mobile phone, and you don’t know how to talk to me.”
Every time she opened her mouth in anticipation, she could only get a perfunctory response from him, and every time she couldn’t wait to share, she could only end up unable to speak. All her emotions were isolated by his indifference. The two of them were obviously close at hand, but they seemed to be separated by thousands of rivers and mountains.
“No topic” is the biggest excuse
Many people always think that just living a good life after marriage is enough, why bother pursuing such formal things. But living a good life requires a healthy communication relationship between husband and wife. If two people are together without even basic interaction, I don’t know how your work is going, whether it goes well or not, and you don’t know what I watched or listened to.
Husband and wife face each other like passerby A meets passerby B, and their marriage has been like a shared apartment. How long can you endure such a boring life? Marriage is not the grave of love, but your silence will bury love. It will also cause serious mental harm to the wife, causing her to have an emotional breakdown and mercilessly say “my husband has destroyed me emotionally”.
Indifference hurts
Many marriages eventually break up without serious impacts such as cheating, poverty, or domestic violence. Their collapse often comes from one party’s indifference, starting from tiny cracks that quietly but rapidly expand. Indifference is a kind of unprincipled negativity. It will slowly transform into cold violence in a long period of silence, which will lead to “my husband has destroyed me emotionally”.
According to psychoanalyst Mary Yrigoyan’s definition:
Cold violence is a type of violence, its manifestations mainly include indifference, contempt, laissez-faire, alienation and indifference, causing other people’s spirit and psychology to be violated and harmed.
Wife cheated on her after encountering cold violence
A post about his wife cheating on her after being subjected to cold violence sparked controversy.
The subject of the question said that he and his husband have been married for many years, but they can live under the same roof for ten days and a half without speaking to each other. The two never had a quarrel, because no matter what she said, her husband would remain silent. No matter it was right or wrong, she would always be the only one talking to herself nervously to the air, while her husband chose to sleep with his head covered.
As for the Cold War the next day, if she didn’t talk to her husband, he would never talk to her. In the eyes of her husband, she is like an existence that is not worth mentioning. Even if she has been tortured to hysterics, her husband is still a stranger who has nothing to do with her. There is no doubt that she has experienced the most severe “my husband has destroyed me emotionally” “.
After she met a warm and caring man, she quickly betrayed her marriage.
Many people accused her of cheating, but they overlooked one point: if people’s demands are not met for a long time, problems will arise.
Love needs
The famous Maslow’s hierarchy of needs theory mentions that human needs for love and belonging are the most basic needs, the most important needs, and the most important manifestation of spiritual needs. Domestic cold violence artificially cuts off communication channels, refuses to receive all signals of expression and being expressed, and shuts out personal needs for love and belonging. This is the easiest way to produce “my husband has destroyed me emotionally”.
Unanswered demands will gradually cool down and deteriorate. In the indifference day after day, people will be completely wrapped in despair. He is selectively deaf when you talk to him, he automatically filters the stories you share as spam, and all communication signals you send are blocked by him.
He doesn’t care about your happiness, anger, sorrow, birth, old age, illness or death, and he doesn’t respond to any of your needs or contacts. He is like a cold wall, isolating you completely from your own world, and tortures your patience in marriage in a cruel and slow way. Turning a blind eye and indifference can really drive a person crazy. Although there was no physical harm, he suffered the most serious mental harm. It’s “my husband has destroyed me emotionally”.
What to do when faced with conflicts in marriage?
The most important thing about an intimate relationship is not appearance, bread, or even fidelity, but sharing. If they don’t share, two people will be like strangers under the same roof. Many people say that it’s not that I don’t want to talk, but that I don’t want to quarrel. A quarrel between two people hurts feelings. But when two people have disagreements, they will quarrel. It is because their ideas have not been conveyed to the other party, so they are eager to express themselves, and there will be friction. So don’t worry about an argument leading to “my husband has destroyed me emotionally.”
The most important thing is that no matter what kind of conflict it is, do not choose to avoid it or ignore the other party’s willingness to communicate. Instead, try to understand the other party in your own way and convey your thoughts to the other party.
If you look at many failed marriages, you will find that the first to be disappointed is often the one who shouts the loudest. They become hysterical because they don’t get a response, and they are the first to let go after being softened by indifference. In a marriage, the people who quarrel are often still trying to save and retain, while the people who are silent have already started to pack their bags and leave.
I am not encouraging everyone to quarrel, but I want to say that instead of letting the marriage dim in a deathly silence, it is better to work hard to communicate with the other party. Even if the method is wrong and a quarrel occurs, it will be warmer than keeping silent, and it can also make the other party feeling leads you to your thoughts, which is the most effective way to avoid “my husband has destroyed me emotionally”.
If you have no idea of communication from the beginning, turn a blind eye to the needs of the other party, and deal with all conflicts with silence, you have given up on the management of your marriage. Maybe in the daily necessities, love will gradually become dull.
But it should never be about hating each other. A healthy marriage should not be about “keeping everything secret”, but about a tacit understanding developed over time, and about I am always knowing what you want. Don’t let your marriage enter the “late stage of aphasia”, because the person most worthy of sharing your life is your lover.